by Tebbit Scorchwillow
1. Trump-Putin Alaska Summit: “Two emperors meet in the frozen wastes to discuss how to carve up someone else’s empire. Historians note this is the first time Alaska has hosted a summit where both participants already own more nukes than brain cells. The meeting location was chosen specifically because it’s the only place on Earth cold enough to preserve their mutual credibility.”
2. Ukraine Front Stabilizes: “Military analysts report the front has ‘stabilized’ in much the same way a house fire stabilizes after consuming the furniture but before reaching the foundation. Both sides are now digging in for what experts call ‘the long peace,’ which is diplomatic speak for ‘war, but with better trenches.'”
3. Kashmir Flash Floods: “Nature continues its aggressive campaign against human hubris, this time targeting pilgrims who presumably thought divine protection extended to meteorology. The gods, it seems, remain diplomatically neutral on matters of rainfall and geography, despite centuries of earnest prayer-based weather modification attempts.”
4. Mediterranean Migrant Deaths: “The Mediterranean continues its grim role as Europe’s moat, with 700+ souls lost to bureaucratic geography this year. Officials express ‘deep concern’ while simultaneously funding the very border policies that turn rescue into a criminal act. The sea, notably, does not recognize visa requirements.”
5. Israeli Settlement Expansion: “Officials announce new settlements with the diplomatic subtlety of a brick through a peace treaty. The finance minister’s promise to ‘bury’ Palestinian statehood suggests someone confused urban planning with necromancy. Cartographers worldwide report chronic migraines from trying to map disappearing borders.”
6. US Arms Sale to Nigeria: “America exports $346 million in ‘security solutions’ to Nigeria, because nothing says regional stability like more weapons in an already weaponized region. The State Department clarifies this is definitely about peace, the kind that comes from superior firepower and excellent quarterly defense contractor earnings.”
7. European Wildfires: “Southern Europe experiences its annual reminder that climate change doesn’t respect national borders or vacation schedules. Politicians express shock that decades of ignoring scientists has resulted in scientists being correct. Fire, meanwhile, continues its policy of consuming everything equally, regardless of political affiliation.”
8. Taliban Anniversary: “The Taliban celebrates four years of governing Afghanistan by planning to shower Kabul with flowers from helicopters—a touching display of airborne horticulture from a group that once banned kites. Nothing says ‘stable governance’ like commemorative petal bombardment.”
9. Blackwater in Haiti: “Private military contractors deploy to Haiti because apparently what the country needs is more guns wielded by people with no accountability to Haitian voters. The mercenary industry celebrates another opportunity to monetize human suffering while governments applaud their own clever outsourcing of imperial responsibility.”
10. Japan-China WWII Commemorations: “East Asia marks the end of the last world war while actively preparing for the next one. Taiwan’s president calls for vigilance against authoritarianism, which is diplomatic speak for ‘those tanks pointed at us aren’t decorative.’ Historical irony remains the only growth industry in international relations.”
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