FOREIGN AFFAIRS: THE EMPIRE THAT MISTOOK IMPUNITY FOR IMMORTALITY By Tebbit Scorchwillow, Editor-in-Chief Foreign Affairs, Fires, and Other Things the Gods Forgot WASHINGTON/THE REST OF THE PLANET — There is a peculiar disease that afflicts powerful countries. At first, they believe they are strong. Then they believe they are indispensable. Eventually, after several aircraft carriers, … Read more
By Tebbit Scorchwillow, Editor-in-Chief SWEIDA/DAMASCUS/GAZA – The magnificent irony of modern Middle Eastern statecraft is that the word protection now arrives with fighter jets, occupation maps, evacuation orders, checkpoints, and a PowerPoint presentation explaining that the people being moved should be grateful. In August 2025, hundreds of Druze demonstrators gathered in Sweida under the … Read more
Returns for Encore Performance By Fenlock Grimes, Foreign Bureau Chief GAZA/TEL AVIV – The exquisite choreography of humanitarian catastrophe reached a new level of bureaucratic precision in August 2025, when the Israeli military announced that tents and shelter equipment would be sent into Gaza ahead of plans to move civilians from combat zones in … Read more
By Fenlock Grimes, Foreign Bureau Chief With additional reporting by Dagmar Bludge, Weaponized History Department This is the story you need to read slowly. Not because it is complicated, although governments have spent thirty years making it sound complicated. Read it slowly because somewhere in the Pacific, people are being told to become resilient … Read more
*By Rumblestone Clacksworthy III, Economics & Other Hallucinations* *** **BAMAKO/OUAGADOUGOU/NIAMEY** — The **exquisite panic** rippling through development finance circles has reached fever pitch as Mali, Niger, and Burkina Faso executed what can only be described as the **most audacious middle finger** to international monetary colonialism in recent memory—establishing their own investment bank with the revolutionary … Read more
*By Mossy Vimes, War Zones & Weird Smells* *** **PRETORIA/BAMAKO** — The **exquisite choreography** of Western humanitarian concern has reached peak performance art this week as international organizations express **shocked bewilderment** at the discovery that anti-immigrant vigilantes in South Africa are denying healthcare access to foreigners—apparently forgetting that this exact same humanitarian principle magically evaporates … Read more
*By Dagmar Bludge, Weaponized History & Department of Retroactive Outrage* *** **SUVA/CANBERRA** — The **exquisite pantomime** of Pacific climate activism has achieved new heights of theatrical irony as New Zealand offers to host the 2027 Pacific Leaders Forum while simultaneously expanding fossil fuel extraction in their own waters—apparently convinced that **environmental leadership** consists of providing … Read more
*By Miss Gentry Swivel, Culture, Calamity & Crumpets* *** **SYDNEY** — The **exquisite ballet** of Australian moral positioning has achieved new heights of theatrical hypocrisy, evidenced by the fact that Ted Hui, a former Hong Kong lawmaker, has finally received asylum after a **mere four years** of bureaucratic theater—just long enough for Canberra to ensure … Read more
*By Rumblestone Clacksworthy III, Economics & Other Hallucinations* *** **WASHINGTON/OTTAWA/MEXICO CITY** — The **magnificent absurdity** of modern capitalism has reached new heights as Canada and Mexico discover that “friendship” with America extends precisely as far as their **quarterly profit margins**, evidenced by the ongoing trade war that has somehow managed to exempt 85% of trade … Read more
*By Soot Hackwell, Politics & Poison Department* *** **OTTAWA** — Nothing quite illuminates the **tender mercies** of modern capitalism like watching 10,000 flight attendants simultaneously decide that serving overpriced airplane coffee isn’t worth tolerating management’s **contemptuous wage offerings**, thereby transforming Air Canada into the world’s most expensive fleet of decorative aluminum sculptures.[1] The strike, which … Read more
