*By Tebbit Scorchwillow, Editor-in-Chief* *** **BRUSSELS** — While diplomats were busy congratulating themselves on their “unified response” to Trump’s Alaska theater, the **real story** was unfolding in defense ministries across the continent: France and Italy have quietly **told Washington to stuff its latest arms bazaar**, refusing to join a US-led NATO initiative to purchase American … Read more
*By Fenlock Grimes, Foreign Bureau Chief* *** **SOMEWHERE BETWEEN ALASKA AND COMMON SENSE** — The gods have a peculiar sense of humor, evidenced by the fact that two of the world’s most accomplished liars managed to spend three hours in conversation without producing a single **verifiable commitment** from either party, yet somehow convinced themselves this … Read more
By Seraphina “Soot” Hackwell *** In what can only be described as the most **humbling** episode in modern feminine hygiene diplomacy, Lady Savannah Millerworth of the Circle’s Seventh Court has confessed to harboring a rogue cotton operative within her imperial chambers for an entire lunar cycle. The twenty-two-year-old aristocrat, known for her appearances at Reality … Read more
By Rumblestone Clacksworthy III *** **August 11-15, 2025: When The Machines Made The Markets Mad (Again)** Greetings, fellow victims of algorithmic capitalism! This week’s technological tea leaves reveal a particularly **potent brew** of corporate machinations, artificial intelligences run amok, and the continuing transformation of human civilization into a subscription service. Pour yourself something strong—preferably liquid … Read more
By Mossy Vimes *** In what can only be described as the most **terrifyingly predictable** development in the annals of Cold War environmental management, wildlife workers at the Savannah River Nuclear Reservation have discovered that local arthropod populations have been moonlighting as **unauthorized radiological contractors**. Four separate wasp nests, each glowing with the warm embrace … Read more
By Miss Malaclara Weatherfax *** The sun had scarcely risen over the alabaster spires of New Ankh-Morpork’s Colonial Inn when Lady Helena Greenthumb discovered herself in an unexpected communion with the fertility gods—namely because she had no recollection of ever being pregnant. One moment, she was debating the merits of salted seaweed tea with a … Read more
*By Tebbit Scorchwillow* Ah, dear readers, pull your chairs in close to the diplomatic campfire, where the smoke smells faintly of burnt treaties. Roast your marshmallows of irony until the hypocrisy oozes down your cuffs. The gods, bless their bureaucratic little hearts, have been shuffling papers again—and wouldn’t you know it, they’ve stamped out matching … Read more
by Tebbit Scorchwillow **1. Trump-Putin Alaska Summit:** *”Two emperors meet in the frozen wastes to discuss how to carve up someone else’s empire. Historians note this is the first time Alaska has hosted a summit where both participants already own more nukes than brain cells. The meeting location was chosen specifically because it’s the only … Read more
By Otto No-Flash, Jr. *** In what can only be described as the most **cartoonishly predictable** occupational hazard in the annals of biological extremism, Sir Matthew Barrington of Greater Londinium has demonstrated that exceptional endowment can constitute a genuine **workplace safety violation**—even when the workplace is one’s own bathing chamber. The 41-year-old artificial intelligence specialist, … Read more
By Malaclara Weatherfax** *** **Dear Maraclara,** I am very handsome, I mean I am incredibly handsome, that’s why I don’t want to get married and be stuck with just one woman, what should I do? **—Apollo’s Gift to Womankind** *** Oh, my **precious little peacock**—corduroy is not a phase, it’s armor, and you’re strutting around … Read more
