The Great Digital Wall Dance:

by

By Tebbit Scorchwillow

Ah, dear readers, pull your chairs in close to the diplomatic campfire, where the smoke smells faintly of burnt treaties. Roast your marshmallows of irony until the hypocrisy oozes down your cuffs. The gods, bless their bureaucratic little hearts, have been shuffling papers again—and wouldn’t you know it, they’ve stamped out matching licenses for duplicity, complete with commemorative ink blots and a whiff of singed wax.

This week’s farce comes courtesy of Russia’s latest digital sovereignty tantrum: blocking WhatsApp and Telegram voice calls while herding citizens toward their velvet-gloved surveillance paradise, VK. The official line? Western apps enable “deceit, extortion, and sabotage”—which is roughly what every government says when it wants to peek into your private messages while stirring its morning tea with a classified spoon.[1][2][3]

But before America climbs atop its shining horse of moral rectitude—pausing only to adjust the stars on its spangled armor—let’s play a thought game: What would happen if VK came charging into the U.S. market? Spoiler: the welcome mat would be swapped for an electrified fence faster than you can say “patriotic firewall.”

The American Approach to Foreign Digital Infiltration

Consider TikTok, the app that fires dopamine pellets into the brains of teenagers, politicians, and at least one very confused Labrador. Owned by China’s ByteDance, TikTok hasn’t been outright banned—yet—but lives under the legislative sword of Damocles, sharpened daily in the name of “national security.” The Protecting Americans from Foreign Adversary Controlled Applications Act, passed April 2024, offered ByteDance a polite ultimatum: sell TikTok to U.S. owners or watch it vanish in a puff of executive orders.

The Supreme Court, in January 2025, nodded sagely and said, “Yes, you can threaten to burn the house down if they don’t give you the keys.” Since then, President Trump has granted three deadline extensions—each 75–90 days—nudging the doomsday clock to September 17, 2025.[4][5][6][7][8][9][10][11]

TikTok, desperate to avoid the guillotine, is building a U.S.-only clone (“M2”)—new algorithms, separate servers, and presumably a firewall trained to salute the flag. It even went dark for 12 hours in January before Trump’s “all right, not today” brought it back online.[11][12][13]

Meanwhile, the Committee on Foreign Investment in the U.S. (CFIUS)—a tribunal that could make Kafka blush—lurks in the background, stamping “DENIED” on anything that smells foreign. When Chinese apps collect American data (just as American apps hoover up everyone else’s), suddenly it’s a “national security” emergency. Witness Kaspersky Lab, ceremoniously exiled from U.S. systems in 2024 to the sound of drumrolls and dire warnings about Kremlin mind control.[14][15][16][17]

The VK Hypothetical: A Three-Act U.S. Adventure

Now picture VK Company—Russia’s blue-and-white social leviathan—announcing it will rescue Americans from “censored” Western platforms.[18][19] The curtain rises, and the choreography is already rehearsed:

Phase 1 – Discovery

  • Tech columns gush about “Russia’s Facebook” like it’s a new kombucha flavor.[16][17]
  • Congressional letters fly faster than spam emails promising free gold bars.[16][17]
  • CFIUS opens a preliminary review and warms up the “foreign adversary” rubber stamp.[14][20]

Phase 2 – Escalation

  • Intelligence briefings suddenly “discover” VK’s Kremlin ties (spoiler: they were always there).[15][16]
  • State governments ban VK on official devices with the same zeal they ban TikTok.[22]
  • The Commerce Department drops VK onto a trade-restriction list so fast the ink smudges.[9][13]

Phase 3 – Conclusion

  • VK is banned or throttled under existing laws.[5][7][9]
  • Moscow, feigning shock, waves America’s own playbook as justification for further blocks.[1][2]
  • Both sides declare moral victory; ordinary users lose another way to share cat memes.

And the punchline? Every accusation—espionage, manipulation, sovereignty, foreign meddling—would be word-for-word identical to the charges Russia hurls at WhatsApp.[1][2][3]

The Dance of Digital Sovereignty

It’s an ouroboros with a Wi-Fi signal.

  • America’s stance: Ban Russian/Chinese platforms to prevent espionage.[8][9][13]
  • Russia’s stance: Block American platforms to prevent espionage.[1][2][3]
  • China’s stance: Ban foreign apps at home, export its own abroad, then clutch pearls at Western suspicion.

Different flags, same paranoia.

The Great Platform Wars: Everybody’s Right, Everyone’s Hypocritical

  1. U.S. platforms scoop up oceans of foreign user data, some of which conveniently washes up in intelligence briefings.[23][24]
  2. Russian and Chinese platforms are legally required to hand over data to their governments.[15][16]
  3. All major powers use platforms for soft power, propaganda, and good old-fashioned spying.[25][16][23]
  4. “National security” is the diplomatic equivalent of “because I said so.”[4][8][9][13]

The Reciprocity Principle: What Goes Around, Burns Down

Block my platform, I’ll block yours. The U.S. seized Iranian domains, booted out RT, and blacklisted Russian software; now Russia blocks WhatsApp with the same solemnity. Welcome to the age of the splinternet: China’s Great Firewall, Russia’s Sovereign Net, America’s “CFIUS Curtain.”[17][24][25]

Conclusion: Let the Gods File Their Own Paperwork

Sipping salted tea in my office (don’t ask), I can’t help marveling at the symmetry. Governments the world over use the same laminated excuses to shut each other’s platforms down. Strip away the branding, and you’re left with the same priorities: protect market share, control the narrative, and keep the strategic advantage.

If the map catches fire, redraw the border. Just don’t pretend the new lines are any holier than the old ones.

This publication is a work of satire and political commentary…

References

  1. Russia restricts WhatsApp and Telegram calls… – Washington Post (https://www.washingtonpost.com/technology/2025/08/14/russia-block-whatsapp-telegram-ban/)
  2. Russia blocks calls via WhatsApp… – Euronews (https://www.euronews.com/next/2025/08/14/russia-blocks-calls-via-whatsapp-and-telegram-as-it-tightens-control-over-the-internet)
  3. Russia restricts calls on WhatsApp, Telegram… – Al Jazeera (https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2025/8/14/russia-restricts-calls-on-whatsapp-telegram-as-internet-control-tightens)
  4. The Supreme Court Upheld… – NYU (https://www.nyu.edu/about/news-publications/news/2025/january/sprigman-tiktok-q—a.html)
  5. U.S. Supreme Court Upholds TikTok… – Holland & Knight (https://www.hklaw.com/en/insights/publications/2025/01/us-supreme-court-upholds-tiktok-sale-or-ban-law)
  6. Trump pushes back TikTok’s sell-by date… – NPR (https://www.npr.org/2025/06/18/nx-s1-5430884/trump-tiktok-ban-third-extension)
  7. Trump to extend TikTok sale deadline… – Reuters (https://www.reuters.com/world/china/trump-says-he-will-probably-extend-tiktok-deadline-again-2025-06-17/)
  8. TikTok v. Garland… – Wikipedia (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/TikTok_v._Garland)
  9. Where does the potential TikTok ban stand? – Scripps News (https://www.scrippsnews.com/science-and-tech/social-media/where-does-the-potential-tiktok-ban-stand)
  10. Committee on Foreign Investment in the U.S. (CFIUS) – Congress PDF (https://www.congress.gov/crs_external_products/IF/PDF/IF10177/IF10177.37.pdf)
  11. Will TikTok’s U.S.-only app… – TechWire Asia (https://techwireasia.com/2025/07/tiktok-us-only-app-bytedance-september-deadline/)
  12. A new TikTok app may be coming… – CNN (https://edition.cnn.com/2025/07/09/tech/tiktok-new-app-us-sale)
  13. Treasury’s Latest Moves… – Regulatory & Compliance (https://www.regulatoryandcompliance.com/2025/06/treasurys-latest-moves-fast-track-for-foreign-investors-outbound-ai-investment-inquiry/)
  14. CFIUS Check-In… – Trepp (https://www.trepp.com/trepptalk/cfius-follow-up-new-regulations-influence-us-businesses-and-real-estate)
  15. Biden bans US sales of Kaspersky… – Reuters (https://www.reuters.com/technology/biden-ban-us-sales-kaspersky-software-over-ties-russia-source-says-2024-06-20/)
  16. Kaspersky and the Russian government… – Wikipedia (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kaspersky_and_the_Russian_government)
  17. US government blocks Iran-affiliated news websites – BBC (https://www.bbc.com/news/world-middle-east-57570044)
  18. The Rise of VK as a Social Media Powerhouse in 2024 – BrodNeil.com (https://www.brodneil.com/vk-vkontakte/)
  19. The Bell Weekly: Billion-dollar loss for Russia’s Facebook – The Bell (https://en.thebell.io/the-bell-weekly-billion-dollar-loss-for-russias-facebook/)
  20. Governor Abbott Announces Ban On Chinese AI… – Texas Government (https://gov.texas.gov/news/post/governor-abbott-announces-ban-on-chinese-ai-social-media-apps)
  21. U.S. Government Advances TikTok Restrictions – Center for Cybersecurity Policy (https://www.centerforcybersecuritypolicy.org/insights-and-research/u-s-government-advances-tiktok-restrictions)
  22. Meta bans RT days after U.S. accused Russian outlet of disinformation – NBC News (https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/us-bans-russian-cybersecurity-software-kaspersky-amid-threat/story?id=111286900)
  23. Russia-Backed Media Outlets Under Fire in the US… – Wired (https://www.wired.com/story/russia-backed-media-outlets-are-under-fire-in-the-us-but-still-trusted-worldwide/)
  24. Justice Department Seizes Domains… – DOJ (https://www.justice.gov/opa/pr/justice-department-seizes-domains-behind-major-information-stealing-malware-operation)
  25. US platforms & intelligence agencies… – FactCheck.org (https://www.factcheck.org/2025/02/tiktok-and-u-s-national-security/)

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