“We regret nothing, except the legal fees.”
This is who we are. Or at least, who we admit to being.
🕯️ Our Origins (Mostly Redacted)
The Clacks Leak began as a whispered joke between archivists during a thunderstorm — a joke so well-timed, it accidentally summoned an editorial tribunal.
Founded in the wake of the Notional Coup of ’13, and fueled by the ashes of burnt treaties and disgraced diplomats, The Clacks Leak exists to publish what respectable outlets are too scared, too slow, or too spellbound to touch.
We report on real power, disguised as myth.
We expose real injustice, disguised as law.
And we do it using the ancient tools of the rogue press: wit, rage, metaphor, and unapproved stationery.
🎯 Our Mission
We are here to:
- Torch hypocrisy
- Satirize systems
- Name names (and occasionally rename them for fun)
- Preserve truth in metaphor when it’s not safe to say it plain
We publish dispatches, investigations, letters, leaks, and literary curses from the frontlines of empire, imagination, and entropy. If it’s sacred, we question it. If it’s rotten, we name it. If it’s human, we hold space for it — then ask it to cite its sources.
✍️ Our Writers
Below are the warped minds behind the quills. Each one an unreliable narrator in service of a higher truth.
👑 Tebbit Scorchwillow
Proprietor & Senior Editor – Foreign Affairs, Fires, and Other Things the Gods Forgot
Disgraced diplomat turned editorial arsonist. Specializes in unstable borders, divine indifference, and international fires no one claims responsibility for. Speaks six languages and curses fluently in twelve. Once tried to interview a volcano. Still has the scars and the audio. Drinks his tea with salt.
🖋️ Fenlock Grimes
Foreign Bureau Chief (currently stuck between Klatch and Common Decency)
Former goat-herder turned war correspondent. Files stories late due to “philosophical paralysis.” Often writes from unnamed countries with very loud clocks.
🖋️ Seraphina “Soot” Hackwell
Politics & Poison Department
Smells corruption through concrete. Investigates power with a teaspoon and side-eye. Once found a scandal inside a sandwich. It’s still unfolding.
🖋️ Rumblestone Clacksworthy III
Economics & Other Hallucinations
Thinks “markets” are a kind of livestock. Once traded the concept of GDP for three goats and a hubcap. They now hold a seat at the IMF and reportedly graze it.
🖋️ Miss Gentry Swivel
Culture, Calamity & Crumpets
Covers the death of art and the art of death. Reports in iambic pentameter when drunk. Was briefly banned from four museums and one séance.
🖋️ Dagmar Bludge
Weaponized History & Department of Retroactive Outrage
Has 800-year-old grievances indexed by century and kingdom. Writes history like it’s breaking news and breaks news like it’s ancient history.
🖋️ Mossy Vimes
Senior Correspondent, War Zones & Weird Smells
Sniffs out foreign policy rot where others just hold their noses. Believes peace is a sign of sloppy reporting. Can identify seventeen kinds of gunpowder by scent alone. Used to be married to a landmine. The divorce was explosive.
🖋️ Miss Malaclara Weatherfax
Witchcraft, Women’s Affairs & Unseen Wombs
Knows the difference between a broom and a movement.
Reads tea leaves, court transcripts, and men’s excuses with equal skepticism. Once hexed a misogynist into a spreadsheet.
Teaches cauldron-based critical thinking. Smells of herbs, ink, and earned fear.
Also pens the advice column Dear Malaclara, for romantics, rebels, and those seeking ethically ambiguous revenge.
🖋️ Bill Bilious
Health, Hygiene & Unhygienic Statecraft
Broke the “cholera in the soup” scandal. Smells like accountability. Ironically unwashed. Once treated a wounded ideology with antibiotics.
🖋️ Otto No-Flash, Jr.
Photographer (Retired due to combustive tendencies)
Son of Otto Chriek. No longer explodes. Usually. Captures truth on silver nitrate and regret.
🖋️ Figgin Foulbreath
Economics, Necrocapitalism & Speculative Greed
Invented “collateral monetization.” Sells war bonds to the dead. Keeps receipts in a vault guarded by existential dread.
📜 Our Charter
We are governed by the Clacks Leak Publishing Cooperative & Magical Waste Disposal, LLP, whose Charter and Ethics Guidelines are publicly available and entirely unenforceable.
We answer to:
- No advertisers
- No sponsors
- No governments
- And occasionally not even to each other
⚠️ Our Disclaimer
Everything published here is:
- Satirical
- Fictionalized
- Politically charged
- And protected by both law and laughter
We aim to punch up, not down. We don’t mock the powerless — we aim directly at the thrones, boardrooms, and bureaucratic oubliettes where power festers and memory fades.
🧭 Our Invitation
If you:
- Have something to say
- Need to leak something
- Or just want to read stories too strange for the sane and too true for the polite—
You’re in the right place.
Welcome to The Clacks Leak.
Ink sharp. Paper scorched. Truth pending.