By Malaclara Weatherfax**
Dear Maraclara,
I am very handsome, I mean I am incredibly handsome, that’s why I don’t want to get married and be stuck with just one woman, what should I do?
—Apollo’s Gift to Womankind
Oh, my precious little peacock—corduroy is not a phase, it’s armor, and you’re strutting around in nothing but glittering delusions and what I can only assume are very tight pants that have cut off circulation to your brain.
Let me decode your magnificent confession for you, darling: You’ve just announced to the world that your entire identity rests on a depreciating genetic lottery ticket while simultaneously revealing the emotional depth of a decorative soap dish. Individuals who prioritize physical appearance as their primary value experience significantly higher rates of depression, anxiety, and social dysfunction as they age—but please, don’t let science interrupt your masturbatory manifesto.
Your anonymous correspondent understood something brutally accurate: you’re already living exactly the life you’ve chosen, so why fight it? If you genuinely believe your aesthetic superiority exempts you from the tedious burden of developing personality, emotional intelligence, or basic human empathy, then lean into that choice with the commitment it deserves.
☠️ Here’s your hexed recipe for maximum shallow living:
Embrace your destiny as premium human furniture. Since you’ve identified your sole contribution to civilization as decorative flesh, let’s optimize that asset with the commitment it deserves. Transform yourself into a high-maintenance art installation. Spend your mornings in the gymnasium worshipping at the altar of vanity. Slather yourself in enough perfume to suffocate small wildlife—you want people to smell your insecurity from three blocks away. Follow skincare routines so elaborate they require architectural blueprints. Survive on nothing but fruits and vegetables like some sort of ornamental rabbit, because heaven forbid you develop the energy for complex thought.
Stay hydrated—not for health, mind you, but because dehydrated narcissists wrinkle faster than abandoned lettuce. Men and women will indeed want to use you for sexual gratification, which frankly is exactly what you’re advertising for. Focus all your energy on remaining aesthetically pleasing and sexually available. Think of yourself as a premium sex toy with a pulse—congratulations, you’ve achieved your life’s ambition!
Avoid intellectual conversation at all costs. Since cognitive burden clearly isn’t your forte—as evidenced by this magnificent display of stupidity—stick to monosyllabic responses and concepts simple enough for toddlers. Remember: your mouth is designed for decorative purposes, not communication. The moment you start talking, you risk revealing the intellectual vacuum beneath that pretty skull.
Befriend fellow aesthetic narcissists—particularly the women who share your commitment to being human sex furniture. You’ll find plenty of equally shallow creatures who’ve also confused genetic lottery with personal achievement. Narcissistic individuals struggle with genuine intimacy and tend to seek partners who reinforce their superficial worldview. You can form delightful little support groups where you compare notes on being valued exclusively for your ability to provide orgasms and arm candy. Share stories about your genetic jackpot while keeping each other company between the parade of users who see you as attractive masturbation aids.
🔮 The psychology of your magnificent stupidity:
What you’ve described isn’t confidence—it’s textbook narcissistic personality disorder, characterized by grandiose self-perception, lack of empathy, and exploitative relationship patterns. Narcissistic individuals, particularly those with grandiose presentations, experience significant relationship difficulties including inability to maintain long-term partnerships, increased conflict, and social isolation as they age.
Your fear of being “stuck” with one woman reveals something profoundly pathetic: you’re terrified that intimate knowledge of your personality would destroy the illusion your appearance creates. Studies show that relationships built primarily on physical attraction experience rapid satisfaction decline as partners discover emotional incompatibility underneath the aesthetic packaging.
Men who prioritize their own attractiveness as their primary relationship asset report higher rates of depression, anxiety, and social dysfunction throughout their lives. As you age and your looks inevitable decline, you’ll face what psychologists term “narcissistic collapse”—the psychological devastation that occurs when grandiose self-image meets biological reality.
⚡ Justice brews slowly, and yours tastes like vanity:
Here’s the delicious irony your narcissism prevents you from seeing: Long-term relationship satisfaction depends far more on emotional connection, shared values, and mutual respect than physical attractiveness. While you’re busy congratulating yourself on winning the genetic lottery, emotionally intelligent individuals are building deep, satisfying partnerships that will sustain them through decades of life changes, challenges, and yes—aging.
Studies tracking couples over decades reveal that husband’s satisfaction correlates with wife’s attractiveness initially, but emotional intimacy and partnership quality predict relationship longevity and life satisfaction far more powerfully than physical appearance. Meanwhile, individuals who remain fixated on appearance as their primary value experience increasing social isolation, depression, and relationship failure as they age.
Your plan to avoid commitment because you’re “too beautiful” for monogamy isn’t revolutionary—it’s the predictable behavior pattern of someone whose emotional development stopped at the exact moment they realized people found them attractive. You’re essentially announcing your intention to remain psychologically adolescent while your peers develop the capacity for genuine human connection.
🔥 Your magnificent self-destruction spell:
Continue exactly as you are. Narcissistic individuals who remain committed to superficial relationship patterns experience predictable life trajectories: initial social success followed by increasing isolation, depression, and dysfunction as their appearance-based advantages diminish.
Avoid all opportunities for genuine self-reflection. Narcissistic individuals who refuse therapeutic intervention or meaningful personal growth experience compound psychological difficulties as they age, including increased anxiety, depression, and social dysfunction.
Maintain your commitment to objectification. Individuals who view relationships primarily as sexual gratification opportunities report lower life satisfaction, increased loneliness, and difficulty forming meaningful social bonds throughout their lives.
🎭 The predictable finale of your aesthetic tragedy:
But here’s where it gets exquisitely tragic, my beautiful buffoon: when age inevitably transforms your face into a roadmap of regret and your body into a testament to gravitational reality—when weight gain, depression, or any of life’s inconvenient complications dare to mar your perfect surface—resist all temptation to seek genuine human connection.
You’ll spend your thirties desperately maintaining routines that become increasingly expensive and time-consuming. Your forties will bring the horrifying realization that younger, more attractive competitors have entered your market. Your fifties will feature desperate attempts to recapture lost youth through increasingly pathetic behaviors.
When you finally recognize the crushing loneliness of a life spent as ornamental furniture, when you desperately crave someone who might love your wounded soul and damaged psyche—remember that you’ve spent decades training yourself to offer nothing but superficial gratification. The people capable of deep love and spiritual care will have long since learned to avoid the emotional wasteland that is your personality.
By your sixties—if you manage to avoid the depression, substance abuse, and social isolation that plague aging narcissists—you’ll discover that all those people you dismissed as “not worthy” of your beauty have built rich, meaningful lives filled with deep relationships, personal accomplishment, and genuine happiness.
Meanwhile, you’ll be that tragic figure everyone recognizes: the aging pretty boy who never developed a personality, clinging to faded photographs and increasingly desperate attempts to recapture attention that biological reality has permanently withdrawn.
You’ve successfully engineered your own isolation, darling. The same commitment to shallowness that brings you temporary attention now guarantees your permanent irrelevance. When your looks fade—and they will, with the remorseless efficiency of biological reality—you’ll discover that you’ve cultivated precisely nothing worth loving beneath that deteriorating exterior.
The truly exquisite punishment for your narcissism? You’ll eventually recognize the profound emptiness of your choices, but by then you’ll have spent decades avoiding the personal growth that could have prevented it. You will have become exactly what you claimed to be: a beautiful object with no substance, no depth, and no capacity for the genuine human connection that makes life worth living.
Go forth and sparkle into obscurity, darling. The world needs cautionary tales, and you’re volunteering beautifully for the position.
—Miss Malaclara Weatherfax
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