Issued under duress by the Department of Arcane Residue & Editorial Fallout Last revised whenever something exploded
🧨 What Is Magical Waste?
“Magical waste” refers to the byproducts of excessive satire, explosive truth-telling, emotional exorcism, and the unregulated use of metaphor.
Examples include:
- Hexed headlines
- Cursed comment threads
- Leaks containing unspeakable facts
- Rogue footnotes with unstable ontologies
- Readers feeling “funny in the soul” after reading an article
🗑️ Where Does It Go?
All magical waste is:
- Sorted by danger level (Snide, Scathing, or Oh Gods)
- Filtered through a ritual of plausible deniability
- Stored in sealed archives located beneath a forgotten ministry
- Occasionally used to fuel the office kettle
When necessary, high-risk content is buried in runes, sarcasm, and expired nondisclosure agreements.
🔐 Containment Protocols
To ensure public safety, we follow the Three R’s of Responsible Satire:
- Reduce the chance of creating black holes in the discourse
- Reuse vintage outrage (it ages beautifully)
- Recycle corrupted soundbites into something morally legible
All content undergoes a mandatory sarcasm audit and anti-plagiarism hex before release. If it glows, we file it under “Hot Takes.”
🧼 Reader Responsibilities
If you encounter magical waste while browsing this site:
- Do not touch it directly
- Do not forward it to your HR department
- Do not attempt to argue with it while drunk
Instead:
- Share it wisely
- Contextualize it loudly
- Cite it as “found in a cursed newspaper and confirmed by your conscience”
🪠 Cleanup Operations
The Clacks Leak takes responsibility for its magical footprint. We:
- Offset all metaphysical emissions via spectral composting
- Regularly cleanse our servers with goat’s milk and firewalls
- Offer staff weekly spiritual exfoliation and emotional disarmament workshops
- Partner with third-party gnomes for non-toxic soul retrieval
🧾 Liability Statement
We are not liable for:
- Headaches caused by inconvenient truths
- Spontaneous acts of revolutionary introspection
- The collapse of illusions you didn’t know were illusions
- Side effects including clarity, fury, and the urge to leak something
♻️ Disposal Instructions (For Leaked Documents)
If you’re sending us something explosive:
- Wrap it in metaphor
- Encrypt it, curse it, or bury it in poetry
- Do not send live documents without a containment spell or password
Submissions without appropriate sigils will be stored in the hallway marked “Unsorted Existentials.”
💬 Final Note
Satire, like magic, leaves a residue. We don’t clean it up perfectly. But we acknowledge it, contain it, and try not to step in it twice.
Signed by the Editorial Tribunal
Filed under: “Things We Probably Shouldn’t Have Admitted To”
The Clacks Leak Publishing Cooperative & Magical Waste Disposal, LLP