# “The Follicular Revolution: When Your Barber Becomes Your Dentist”

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“The Follicular Revolution: When Your Barber Becomes Your Dentist”

By Bill Bilious

In what can only be described as the most aesthetically challenging public health breakthrough since leech therapy, the Royal Academy of Dental Sciences at King’s College of Greater Londinium has announced that the solution to tooth decay has been sitting atop our heads all along—literally. Scientists have successfully weaponized human hair into what they optimistically term “sustainable oral hygiene,” though skeptics might describe it as “brushing your teeth with a hairball.”[1][2][3]

Dr. Sherif El-Sharkskin, Senior Consultant in Prosthodontic Wizardry, leads a research cabal that has spent considerable taxpayer gold extracting keratin—a fibrous protein found in hair, skin, nails, and the occasional sheep—and transforming it into what they claim is a revolutionary dental treatment. Their methodology reads like an alchemical recipe: harvest keratin from discarded wool, purify it through arcane processes, freeze-dry it into submission, and then convince the public that brushing their teeth with processed animal fur represents “progress”.[2][3][4][1]

The biochemical sorcery allegedly works by creating what researchers describe as a “crystal-like scaffold” when keratin encounters saliva. This scaffold then attracts calcium and phosphate ions, supposedly mimicking the structure and function of natural enamel while sealing off exposed nerve channels that cause sensitivity. Unlike conventional fluoride treatments that merely slow decay, this keratin concoction purportedly stops it completely—a claim that would be remarkable if it weren’t so fundamentally revolting.[3][4][1][2]

The most disturbing aspect of this development lies not in its scientific merit, but in its economic implications. Dr. El-Sharkskin envisions a future where “we may soon be growing stronger, healthier smiles from something as simple as a haircut”—inadvertently describing a bioeconomy where barbershops become pharmaceutical manufacturing centers and salon sweepings transform into medical commodities. The researchers particularly emphasize that human hair collected from beauty parlors could provide “personalized” treatment options, effectively creating a secondary market in bodily waste.[5][4][6]

Lead researcher Sara Gamea attempts to frame this development as environmental salvation, noting that keratin “eliminates the need for traditional plastic resins, commonly used in restorative dentistry, which are toxic and less durable”. She presents this hair-harvesting enterprise as sustainable sourcing from “biological waste materials,” though one might question whether transforming discarded human detritus into oral hygiene products represents genuine environmental progress or merely a more aesthetically challenging form of recycling.[7][8]

The timeline for commercial availability reveals the typical optimism of researchers seeking funding: Dr. El-Sharkskin believes keratin-based treatments could reach public markets “within the next two to three years” pending “industry collaborations”. The products would allegedly be available both as daily-use toothpastes and professionally applied gels “similar to nail varnish”—a comparison that does little to enhance the treatment’s appeal.[4][2]

Perhaps most telling is the demographic target of this innovation. Tooth decay affects approximately 90% of adults aged 20-64 and nearly 46% of children—statistics that represent not merely public health challenges but massive market opportunities. The researchers position their hair-based solution as addressing fundamental structural problems with dental care accessibility, yet their approach relies on the same commodification strategies that created oral health disparities in the first place.[9][4]

The study, published in Advanced Healthcare Materials, employed keratin extracted from sheep wool rather than human hair for their laboratory trials. This methodological choice raises questions about whether the research represents genuine scientific advancement or merely provides academic legitimacy for what essentially amounts to processed animal byproducts masquerading as medical treatment.[10][1]

Dr. Gamea’s assertion that keratin-based treatments “look much more natural than these treatments, as it can more closely match the color of the original tooth” suggests that cosmetic considerations now drive medical innovation as much as therapeutic efficacy. This aesthetic focus reveals how consumer preferences increasingly shape healthcare development, transforming medical treatments into lifestyle products.[7]

The broader implications extend beyond mere disgust at the prospect of brushing one’s teeth with processed hair. This development represents the systematic normalization of treating human biological waste as industrial raw material—a process that transforms intimate bodily functions into economic opportunities while rebranding waste management as environmental stewardship.

If it’s preventable, it’s profitable—and in this case, the prevention involves convincing populations to incorporate their own discarded biological matter into their daily hygiene routines while celebrating this as both medical breakthrough and environmental virtue. The real question isn’t whether hair-based toothpaste can repair tooth enamel, but whether populations desperate for affordable healthcare will accept increasingly degrading solutions rather than demanding systemic reform of medical accessibility.

As Dr. El-Sharkskin noted with apparent sincerity, “We are entering an era where biotechnology allows us to treat not just symptoms but restore biological function using the body’s own materials”. Indeed—health is not a business model, it’s a hostage situation, and apparently the ransom now includes our own hair.[4]

“Health is not a business model—it’s a hostage situation.”

—Bill Bilious, The Clacks Leak
Health, Hygiene & Unhygienic Statecraft

This publication is a work of satire and political commentary.
All characters (even if inspired by real or fictional ones), situations, and organizations are fictionalized or parodied for the purpose of critique, humor, and social analysis.
The Clacks Leak does not represent any real media outlet, and all attributions to authors or characters from works like Terry Pratchett’s Discworld are used in homage, under fair use for transformative parody.
The views expressed are those of the parody authors and are not intended to cause harm or promote hate speech.
While real public figures may be satirized, all critiques are ultimately directed at systems of power, institutional rot, and the absurdities of human governance—not at individuals for personal or defamatory purposes.
This work is not affiliated with, endorsed by, or associated with the Pratchett Estate or any official Discworld trademark holders.

References:

[1] https://www.openaccessgovernment.org/scientists-create-toothpaste-from-human-hair-that-could-stop-tooth-decay/196867/ [2] https://www.miragenews.com/hair-derived-toothpaste-repairs-teeth-naturally-1514193/ [3] https://newatlas.com/medical/toothpaste-keratin-hair/ [4] https://nypost.com/2025/08/13/health/toothpaste-made-out-of-hair-could-be-on-shelves-in-two-years/ [5] https://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/life-style/health-fitness/health-news/toothpaste-made-from-hair-a-sustainable-innovation-to-repair-teeth-naturally/articleshow/123286527.cms [6] https://www.vice.com/en/article/your-toothpaste-might-soon-be-made-from-hair/ [7] https://www.iflscience.com/toothpaste-made-from-hair-might-be-the-future-of-your-dental-health-80409 [8] https://www.phillyvoice.com/toothpaste-tooth-decay-prevention-hair-keratin-/ [9] https://1075koolfm.com/toothpaste-made-from-hair/ [10] https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/c9qy0w27213o [11] [12] https://www.sciencefocus.com/news/scientist-made-toothpaste-from-hair [13] https://www.washingtonpost.com/science/2025/08/15/keratin-tooth-enamel-repair-hair/ [14] https://ground.news/article/toothpaste-made-from-hair-could-stop-decay-kcl-scientists-say [15] https://www.ladbible.com/news/health/tooth-enamel-study-kings-college-london-hair-keratin-benefits-832457-20250813

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