By Seraphina “Soot” Hackwell
In what can only be described as the most humbling episode in modern feminine hygiene diplomacy, Lady Savannah Millerworth of the Circle’s Seventh Court has confessed to harboring a rogue cotton operative within her imperial chambers for an entire lunar cycle. The twenty-two-year-old aristocrat, known for her appearances at Reality Television Tribunals, nearly contracted the dreaded Toxic Shock Syndrome—a bacterial insurgency so severe it can topple governments, let alone individual immune systems.[1][2]
The incident began during what should have been a routine evening of courtly debauchery. Lady Millerworth, preparing for nocturnal festivities that coincided with the cessation of her monthly tribute to the Blood Gods, deployed a cotton sentinel for precautionary measures. By dawn’s light, however, all memory of this tactical insertion had vanished like campaign promises after an election.[1]
“I forgot I put it in, and because there was no blood and the string had disappeared, I didn’t see it,” confessed the Lady, her voice carrying the particular timber of someone who has discovered that incompetence can be literally life-threatening.[1]
Within mere days of this bureaucratic oversight, her body began filing formal complaints. The symptoms read like a manifesto of systemic failure: general malaise, inflammatory itching, and—most diplomatically challenging—a putrid emanation that she described as smelling “like a rat crawled inside of me while I was sleeping and died”. Such was the olfactory assault that Lady Millerworth feared her fellow courtiers might detect the corruption during parliamentary sessions.[1]
Rather than addressing the root cause, she implemented what political analysts now recognize as classic misdirection tactics: deploying fresh cotton operatives to mask the decomposing evidence, inadvertently pushing the original insurgent deeper into her administrative regions. Three separate medical consultations—including a visit to the Campus Sexual Health Tribunal—failed to identify the source of this particular governmental dysfunction.[1]
It was only during her third diagnostic hearing that a court physician discovered cotton particulates in her urinary evidence samples, raising the damning question of whether she might be harboring undisclosed textile assets. By the time the embedded operative was located, it had established such deep roots in her cervical district that, as Lady Millerworth mordantly observed, “The doctor had to fish it out of my ovaries”.[1]
The broader implications of this incident extend far beyond personal hygiene policy. As medical authorities note, Toxic Shock Syndrome represents a rare but life-threatening condition caused by bacterial insurrection, with symptoms including high fever, skin rashes resembling solar burns, muscular rebellion, vomiting, diarrhea, and in severe cases, complete systemic collapse. The fact that Lady Millerworth managed to avoid this particular administrative catastrophe speaks less to competent governance than to sheer dumb luck.[3][1]
Yet perhaps most revealing is the institutional response to her confession. Rather than addressing the systemic failures that enabled such oversight—the lack of reminder protocols, the inadequate citizen education programs, the obvious design flaws in textile deployment systems—authorities have merely issued the standard bureaucratic recommendations: “change regularly,” “wash hands thoroughly,” and “avoid overnight deployments”.[3][1]
Corruption isn’t a flaw, it’s a design choice—and in this case, the design choice was to prioritize convenience over accountability, profit over safety, and individual responsibility over systemic reform. Lady Millerworth’s ordeal serves as a potent reminder that even the most intimate aspects of governance can become sites of potential catastrophic failure when proper oversight mechanisms are abandoned.
The Lady herself has since sworn off cotton operatives entirely, converting to what she terms “menstrual undergarments”—though she notably refrains from advocating for broader policy changes. “I’m not going to tell everyone to stop using tampons,” she stated with the particular circumspection of someone who has learned that personal trauma does not automatically translate into political activism, “but just don’t think it’s not going to happen to you”.[1]
Indeed. If it smells clean, you’re not digging deep enough.
“Corruption isn’t a flaw, it’s a design choice.”
—Seraphina “Soot” Hackwell, The Clacks Leak
Politics & Poison Department
References:
- Tampon warning issued as woman who forgot she had one in details ‘dead rat’ smell – Tyla, August 15, 2025
- This Woman Accidentally Left A Tampon Inside Her For A Month—She’s Now Sharing Her ‘Traumatizing’ Story – AOL, August 14, 2025
- How to Safely Remove a Stuck Tampon, and When to See a Doctor – GoodRx, December 18, 2023
[1] https://www.tyla.com/life/true-life/savannah-miller-left-tampon-in-vagina-month-smell-611842-20250815 [2] https://www.aol.com/woman-accidentally-left-tampon-inside-230157747.html [3] https://www.goodrx.com/health-topic/womens-health/removing-stuck-tampon [4] https://www.texaschildrens.org/content/wellness/toxic-shock-syndrome-what-women-need-know [5] https://7news.com.au/lifestyle/toxic-shock-syndrome-symptoms-revealed-by-sydney-nurse-who-left-tampon-in-for-a-month-by-mistake-c-5203929 [6] https://always-africa.com/en-ke/tips-and-advice-for-girls-and-parents/choosing-a-pad/what-happens-if-a-tampon-is-left-in-for-months [7] https://www.reddit.com/r/WomensHealth/comments/1iffw8t/tampon_was_inside_me_for_3_months/ [8] https://fashionjournal.com.au/life/times-you-shouldnt-use-a-tampon/ [9] https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/326472 [10] https://subscriber.politicopro.com/article/eenews/2025/08/13/why-more-women-are-switching-to-reusable-menstrual-products-00506407 [11] https://www.omargailani.com.au/blog/lost-or-stuck-tampon-14107/ [12] https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/retained-object-or-tampon [13] https://www.healthline.com/health/tampon-stuck
This publication is a work of satire and political commentary.
All characters (even if inspired by real or fictional ones), situations, and organizations are fictionalized or parodied for the purpose of critique, humor, and social analysis.
The Clacks Leak does not represent any real media outlet, and all attributions to authors or characters from works like Terry Pratchet’s Discworld are used in homage, under fair use for transformative parody.
The views expressed are those of the parody authors and are not intended to cause harm or promote hate speech.
While real public figures may be satirized, all critiques are ultimately directed at systems of power, institutional rot, and the absurdities of human governance—not at individuals for personal or defamatory purposes.
This work is not affiliated with, endorsed by, or associated with the Pratchett Estate or any official Discworld trademark holders.