By Malaclara Weatherfax** Dear Maraclara, I am very handsome, I mean I am incredibly handsome, that’s why I don’t want to get married and be stuck with just one woman, what should I do? —Apollo’s Gift to Womankind Oh, my precious little peacock—corduroy is not a phase, it’s armor, and you’re strutting around in nothing … Read more
By Miss Malaclara Weatherfax Dear Maraclara, I cheated on my husband, and he elected to stay in our marriage, yet he continues to emotionally punish me. It’s been seven years. Should I leave? —Prisoner of Penance Oh, sweet suffering Prisoner—seven years of emotional purgatory? Corduroy is not a phase, it’s armor, and you’ve been wearing … Read more
Dear Maraclara, Why don’t I know anything? —Sai Oh, Sai, you sweet, singed sapling of confusion—corduroy is not a phase, it’s armor, and the fact that you feel draped in nothing but question marks means you’ve only just donned your first piece. Why don’t you know anything? Because nobody taught you to taste knowledge with … Read more
By Miss Malaclara Weatherfax Children, If you are reading this, then congratulations: your soul still itches. The Clacks found you. Or you found the Clacks. Either way, it means you haven’t yet succumbed to the mass-induced stupor of polite society, decorative outrage, and those abominable oat milk lattes they sell in cities that no longer … Read more
Filed by Tebbit Scorchwillow, Proprietor & Senior Editor Citizens, denizens, and suspiciously quiet observers, Welcome to The Clacks Leak — a humble little firetrap of a paper stitched together from half-burnt cables, unverified communiqués, and the kind of sources that usually vanish after saying, “Off the record, but…” We report from the cracks. The liminal. … Read more
