# “The Atomic Apiary: When Mother Nature Gets a Security Clearance”

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By Mossy Vimes

In what can only be described as the most terrifyingly predictable development in the annals of Cold War environmental management, wildlife workers at the Savannah River Nuclear Reservation have discovered that local arthropod populations have been moonlighting as unauthorized radiological contractors. Four separate wasp nests, each glowing with the warm embrace of federal safety violations, were uncovered during routine inspections at what was once America’s premier plutonium manufacturing facility.[1][2][3][4]

The first nest, discovered July 3rd by radiation monitors conducting their daily “hunt for invisible death” patrol, registered contamination levels ten times higher than federal regulations permit—approximately 100,000 disintegrations per minute per 100 square centimeters, for those keeping score at home. Workers treated the nest with conventional insecticide, then bagged it as radiological waste, though notably no actual wasps were present—suggesting either exceptional timing or that the insects had already received their discharge papers.[2][5][1]

The Savannah River Site, a sprawling 310-square-mile testament to America’s nuclear ambitions, began operations in the early 1950s as a classified plutonium production facility during the height of Cold War hysteria. Over decades of weapons manufacturing, the site generated more than 165 million gallons of liquid nuclear waste, since reduced through evaporation to a mere 34 million gallons currently stored in 43 underground tanks. That such a facility might experience minor ecological complications represents either breathtaking naivety or willful ignorance of basic physics.[5][1][2]

Federal officials hastily classified the contamination as “legacy radioactive contamination”—bureaucratic terminology meaning “radiation from previous operations that we hoped everyone would forget about”. Edwin Deshong of the Department of Energy’s Savannah River Operations Office assured the public that the nests posed “no health risk to workers, the community, or the environment”—a statement that would be more reassuring if it didn’t contradict the basic definition of radioactive contamination.[6][3][7][1][2]

The discovery protocol reveals institutional priorities with crystalline clarity. After finding the first nest on July 3rd, officials waited until July 22nd to file their occurrence report, claiming the delay allowed time for “reviewing previous wildlife contamination for consistency in reporting criteria”. Translation: they needed three weeks to craft appropriately euphemistic language for the fact that local insects had been constructing unauthorized nuclear facilities.[8]

Environmental watchdog Tom Clements of Savannah River Site Watch articulated the public’s reasonable concerns: “I’m as mad as a hornet that SRS didn’t explain where the radioactive waste came from or if there is some kind of leak from the waste tanks that the public should be aware of”. His anger extends beyond mere contamination to the institutional refusal to provide substantive explanations for how wasps accessed radioactive materials in supposedly secure facilities.[5][8]

The biological implications prove equally disturbing. Dr. Timothy Mousseau, University of South Carolina biologist specializing in radioactive ecosystems including Chernobyl and Fukushima, observed that these discoveries indicate “contaminants are dispersed throughout this region and have not been adequately contained and safeguarded”. The emergence of multiple contaminated nests suggests systematic environmental penetration rather than isolated incidents.[9]

Wasp behavior patterns compound the concern. These insects typically forage within few hundred yards of their nests, meaning contamination sources exist in close proximity to the tank farms. Since different wasp species utilize varying construction materials—some excavating soil, others gathering organic matter—the contamination vectors remain deliberately unexplored by officials more interested in reassurance than investigation.[1][5]

The sanitized official response reveals standard bureaucratic misdirection techniques. Rather than investigating contamination pathways, officials emphasize that wasps found within the nests would carry “significantly lower levels of contamination” than the structures themselves. They note that the contamination represents “less than 1% of natural background radiation”—a comparison designed to minimize rather than contextualize the actual hazards.[4][2][1]

Perhaps most tellingly, officials confirmed that continuous monitoring systems are in place to facilitate “early detection and management of potential contamination”. This admission reveals that contaminated wildlife represents a known and ongoing phenomenon rather than unexpected anomaly. The monitoring infrastructure exists precisely because environmental infiltration was predictable and inevitable.[4]

The broader pattern suggests systematic underreporting of environmental contamination at nuclear facilities. Savannah River Site’s cleanup operations, initiated in 1996, are projected to continue until 2065—nearly seven decades after weapons production ceased. This timeline indicates contamination levels so extensive that generational cleanup efforts are required to achieve basic safety standards.[3]

I can smell funding—and in this case, the funding smells suspiciously like radioactive wasp larvae and bureaucratic cover-up operations masquerading as environmental stewardship. The discovery of four contaminated nests in routine inspections suggests that systematic surveying would reveal far more extensive ecological penetration than officials acknowledge.

The wasps, unlike human populations, require no security clearances to access restricted materials, no environmental impact assessments to establish residence, and no political calculations to determine appropriate levels of concern. They simply build their homes using available materials—including, apparently, whatever radioactive detritus remains scattered across 310 square miles of “cleaned up” nuclear landscape.

As David Jenkins of the South Carolina Forestry Commission noted with characteristic governmental optimism: “If you’ve got a radioactive site, you’re gonna have some radioactive animals”. Indeed—peace talks are just war with better snacks, and environmental management is just contamination with better public relations.[4]

“I can smell funding.”

—Mossy Vimes, The Clacks Leak
War Zones & Weird Smells

This publication is a work of satire and political commentary.
All characters (even if inspired by real or fictional ones), situations, and organizations are fictionalized or parodied for the purpose of critique, humor, and social analysis.
The Clacks Leak does not represent any real media outlet, and all attributions to authors or characters from works like Terry Pratchett’s Discworld are used in homage, under fair use for transformative parody.
The views expressed are those of the parody authors and are not intended to cause harm or promote hate speech.
While real public figures may be satirized, all critiques are ultimately directed at systems of power, institutional rot, and the absurdities of human governance—not at individuals for personal or defamatory purposes.
This work is not affiliated with, endorsed by, or associated with the Pratchett Estate or any official Discworld trademark holders.

References:

[1] https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/radioactive-wasp-nest-found-site-us-made-nuclear-bombs-rcna222420 [2] https://www.cnn.com/2025/07/30/us/radioactive-wasp-nest-south-carolina [3] https://arstechnica.com/health/2025/08/radioactive-wasp-nests-spring-up-in-decadesold-nuclear-site-in-south-carolina/ [4] https://abcnews.go.com/US/radioactive-wasp-nests-found-former-nuclear-weapons-production/story?id=124444399 [5] https://www.zmescience.com/ecology/animals-ecology/a-radioactive-wasp-nest-was-just-found-at-an-old-u-s-nuclear-weapons-site-and-no-one-knows-what-happened/ [6] https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/c3dpxr85228o [7] https://www.foxweather.com/lifestyle/radiation-savannah-river-site [8] https://www.smithsonianmag.com/smart-news/officials-discover-radioactive-wasp-nests-at-facility-that-once-produced-parts-of-nuclear-weapons-in-south-carolina-180987099/ [9] https://www.nytimes.com/2025/08/01/science/radioactive-wasps-nuclear-savannah-river.html [10] [11] https://www.washingtonpost.com/climate-environment/2025/08/02/radioactive-wasps-south-carolina-nuclear-site/

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